Quiet and common notions...shared here...with you! Of life ~ our hearts and our home.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Communication - sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't (part two)

Coming off of these two posts; Nothing but Clear Blue Skies and Why does marriage take such heart work anyway?  I told you that I would take you into "our realm" of communication.  Are you ready for this??  here we go...

You've noticed the quote here on my side bar that says; "Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after." ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1906, American Writer and aviator

I think about this a lot.  I love when a good conversation turns deep, and full of passion for what the subject, being discussed, is about.  I also know I personally am not the best conversationalist out there.  I would rather sit in the shadows and listen to others "ramble on"... letting my thoughts make up for my part of the conversation.

And you're probably sitting there scratching your heads saying;  "Huh? - WHAT?  One minute she says she likes good conversation and the next minute she says she would rather listen and not say much of anything". 

Communication... what it is and what it isn't.  Sometimes this is exactly the way it is in marriage, isn't it?  Anybody who is married will agree on this.  We will say things like:
  • "Speak your peace."
  • "Shut up!" 

Preferring, to say it nicely.  It might be more like;
  • "Why won't you engage in conversation, & share your thoughts more?"
  •  "Go ahead. - Say what your thinking."
  •  "Talk to me!"

 Or we will, more often then not, take the quite common unabrasive approach of:
  • "Whatever you say honey, is fine with me."
  •  "I don't care. Whatever you think."
Or, we'll do the silent treatment and give the cold shoulder.

All of these scenarios & statements are relatable.  We've all done it.  And truth is - Scott and I are King and Queen of this Court.  I wish he would talk to me more.  He say's "we can talk in bed" - to catch up on our day, our thoughts and whatever  else by having so-called "pillow talk".  I get sucked in everytime - hoping and praying that he'll stay awake long enough to listen, to answer and engage me in conversation. 
Perhaps, this time, with his elbow into the pillow holding up his head rather then his head holding down his pillow

As he drifts off to sleep, he amazingly will ask a question or two that will (always) require me to answer - something in details-  and it's my voice (everytime), so he accuses, that lulls him off to "Lahlahland". 
He really has a hard time staying awake (by his own admission), once he gets horizontal.   He's a man with a lot on his mind...

You might see where I will get easily frusterated by this.   Here was a man who back in our courting days would beg me to "Speak my peace".  To open up more.  He, on the other hand, would not "shut up".  Driving truck did that to him... I suppose.  He warned me though, that when he got off the road - he would probably go back to being on the quieter side.  I could not believe that to EVER be true.  Well, guess what?  He was right.  That is unless you get him onto a subject that he is really passionate & knowledgeable about, such as computers, cars, or financial stuff, etc., then watch out!!  He's good.

Okay.  So, this is not a bash on my man.  I am just as responsible for the ebb and flow of our communication.  I have placed a lot of expectation, over time, on Scott to "read my mind".  I am laughing as I write this, because it is the craziest truth known to man - they cannot read minds.  PERIOD.   Why don't we as women get that, I ask myself?  Anyway.  Yeah.  I do a lot of wishing, and hoping and ...wishing and hoping that one day - "he'll come around to my way of thinking". Or, that someday "he just KNOW" where things go in the kitchen, or that he'll keep up with our family schedule on the calender or whatever...

Sometimes, It's true... I just don't know how I feel or what I think -about stuff.  I have "no opinion"... so therefore looking out the window - lost in thought- is just fine with me.
And then, there are times, I swear that he must have had conversation's going on in his head, of things, that he is certain that he has shared with me and yet, I have NO idea what he's referring too.  Maybe I honestly don't hear him - like he claims I don't.  However, I am sure... those words were never shared.  You know how it is...

Because of those sorts of expectations, I get hurt.  My feelings check out... and up flares the cold shoulder,and I can't get away fast enough. 

Our (mostly mine) body language is a HUGE form of communication.  Scott and I like to joke sometimes that there are two sides of love.  Face to Face and Back to Back.  We know we still love each other and always will... but, sometimes, until the words start to fly... or eventually get pulled from us... means that by saying nothing at all - sometimes is saying the most.  And that can be both good or bad.

So, going back to the quote that I love so much, that says..."Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."... then man! If our communication  was based on all the Black Coffee (honest to goodness) that we drink, like this quote implies... then we would NEVER, EVER get any sleep.  We both drink alot of coffee.  That said....

We have decided (resulting from a not-so-fun conversation, recently) that in order to have better communication between us, we need to make an intentional effort to create a place and a time for that to be.   And so, on Thursday nights, after the little ones are already in bed (and if this happens other times, too, that is great) but intentionally on Thursday nights (the night we're already sitting down to the kitchen table and doing the weekly budget together!) that we will dim the lights, pour ourselves two cups of coffee and "just visit" with each other. Gazing into each other's eyes... sharing our hearts... and recreating "us". 

Sometimes communication is and sometimes it isn't.  Sometimes our silence says it all - for the good and the bad.  And it's those nights that when he say's "Come on, let's go to bed"... I know it's going to be a great conversation after all.


  1. I really liked this, Bev. I think it's a great idea to schedule talk time. I know that as time's gone on and we've had more children, we don't talk nearly as often as we used to. We go from one thing to the next all day long, and then collapse into bed late at night, which often isn't the best time to talk! I think I'll follow your lead and schedule a time each week. Thank you for the inspiration!

  2. this could be my relationship with TheBoy...we've been having lots of not-so-fun chats at the moment and you have captured beautifully the root of all it...thankyou x

  3. Very interesting post.
    It's funny, our "date night" is Thursday, also.
    We visit over coffee, too!

  4. Happy Thursday nights. A worthy mariage is worth the effort.


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