Quiet and common notions...shared here...with you! Of life ~ our hearts and our home.

Friday, April 15, 2011

"My Story", as I attempted to tell it today. - Part Two & Final

 ... . . .. . .. . . . . .. . . .. . .. . . .. ..

But, here is where the brutal, hard-nose honesty comes in…

(Are you ready, to read this??)


I hate being a mom.

I love being married and I love keeping the home…

Yet, I shouldn’t say that I hate being a mom, because some days that simply isn’t true and hate is a rather strong word, I know, but IT IS CERTAINLY not the rosy picture that Motherhood had been painted in my mind for it to be.

And, now I’m pregnant with my third?  I must be crazy… really, if not yet... I will be.  (tongue in cheek)

Mothering is so H * A * R * D. And what’s even “harder” is when close friends of mine lovingly remind me of those days, and say, "you know Bevy... this was ALL you ever wanted". They have no idea the (bothering) grace-reminder that this is for me.  I do appreciate the reminder.

There are many, many days of tears, and angst over the irruptions and inconveniences. I balk and wallow and fret. And the depths of my soul are revealed more and more of where I am simply a sinner-mommy who needs Jesus every single day. My kids know this and they catch me crying (rubbing their little hands all over my arms and face); they ask me “mommy, what’s wrong?”, and I tell them… the truth.


I need Jesus.

I am amazed over and over at their sincere hearted tenderness (in those moments) and it continues to melt my stone-cold heart and I know - if for nothing else – they’re in my life to reveal the Love of Jesus to me, more and more.

I’m ashamed to admit this – but they are many times when even I scare myself at the back door. I have little or no patience. I'm way too grumpy - grasping to regain control of the given situation.  I struggle to be silly....I'm not a "fun mom"...  I struggle to interact at their level.  Oh, I can get creative and imaginative... but it takes a lot out of me to get me to that point. 

I just absolutely cannot believe that I react the way I do at times. And in admitting this, this is where I think the word “hate” comes in. I don’t like what motherhood is revealing in and through me.  It's the process called sanctification....

I preach to myself all of the time, with this saying: “My response makes or breaks a situation”… and I know it’s all a matter of me responding well rather then simply reducing me to a mere reaction. It’s a pure struggle.

***
I think back to my own mom. And, she and I have certainly talked about this…

She had, had a hard life of raising us nine children with, while my dad was a real hard worker, wonderful father and a wonderful provider (they certainly did they’re best) – she continued to deal and work through my dad’s struggles of:


- Depression (which were enough to be hospitalized once or twice, in his life);


-the mental health issues (which required medication for as long as I could remember);


-the spiritual struggles of God’s grace and forgiveness for him

All of these things were things that I know were triggered by an introduction to pornography at a very young age.

Which makes me realize all the more, the awesome responsibility I have as a mom and Scott and I together, in parenting, to be all the more vigilant in the teaching and training of our little ones.  We can't shield them ... only influence them toward the Gospel.

I would like to say I’ve never heard my mom cry or be upset –but that isn’t the truth, although she hid it from us very well.

She certainly had her challenges too, with being a mom. There were many things about her that I vowed I would “break the chain” over. I know she would admit to not having the spiritual support like I’m blessed to have in my life today, even though she grew up Mennonite as well… it just wasn’t offered. So, I am truly blessed.

Now that my dad is HOME-FREE and in Heaven… and like I said it’s been 15 years now… with having little ones to raise, all on her own… I honestly have seen the Grace of God carry my mother through this trial in her life. She grieves but she has never once complained.

And, she still doesn’t. She is purely an inspiration to me and the best example in my life, of what a godly woman, wife and mother should be.

***

Recently, I went through a ladies Bible Study – a book authored by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, entitled Brokenness. This book was really an eye opener for me as it relates to my calling as a mother, wife and friend.

So, on one hand while I’m learning about brokenness in my life – the Lord is/was really doing a breaking in me – of my will and expectations especially in mothering. I’m still learning. And, though that particular Bible Study is over I still thumb through the pages of that book and my notes and reflect.

Also…I’m desirous to grow more in tune with a life of gratitude. Another book I’m currently reading is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, author of the blog – A Holy Experience. In this book she challenges, with a dare, to LIVE FULLY right where you are. I’ve recently begun the task of naming my thanks… listing things – all the way to 1,000 and beyond, Lord Willing, that come to mind; things of which I am truly grateful for. Things big or small - and sometimes it is the rather simple things.


I’m praying that these two books will continue a work in me. I can feel the battle- raging. It’s a looming task, this work of sanctification that is going on inside of me. Thankfully – it’s the Lord at work. It’s nothing that I am doing to contribute... except perhaps I contribute by providing the mess.


Many of you know… I have a blog at Treasured Up and Pondered (.blogspot.com).

There is where I have found a true blend of encouragement and accountability. I found some dear friends in this blogging world – other moms or women who are often in the same places I find myself in. I welcome you to stop by, there as well, anytime and say hello.

And, MOPS has become a place for much of the same; a place of real encouragement and accountability. If it wasn’t’ for Connie C. really encouraging me to come on out – I would really be missing a blessing in my life. I’ll admit, it’s been tough to get going in the mornings and we’ve had our rough moments – but my kids have really fallen in love with the Moppets ministry. And, I’m glad.

I also knew a lot more ladies then I ever expected. Kelli S., Jen F., Barb M., Patty C., Chrissy B., Cheryl H. and I recognized many, many others… so thank you Connie for your diligence in “pestering” me to take this step. Lord knows – I’m such a homebody and I needed this.



***

Thank you for letting me share “my story” with you, today, which by the way, is still being written.  Each day is a new journal entry to the pages of my life story.  God is authoring... not I. I would have no idea if anyone can relate or identify with anything I’ve shared… but I just hope that my honesty today was a real blessing to someone.

God bless you in your home and in your mothering. We’re in this “calling” together.

Let’s do our best and be our best!

Amen?





***
As I mentioned in my introduction.  I left MOPS, that day, feeling like I had really flubbed up my story.  I felt like I had missed a lot of key points in what I wanted to say and yet, I have to believe that what I did share was really - enough.
 
As many different ladies came up to me later to say Thank You!, they encouraged me by admitting that they too have often felt the same way about Mothering - for themselves.  That it's been completely different then they've ever imagined.  My honest approach was such a release for me and a relief to them. 
 
Somebody said it.  We could identify.  Here again, an honest confession is good for the soul.
 
But, it doesn't mean staying in that place.  My heart's cry and desire from the very beginning - to be the best wife and mom that I could possibly be - still resonates with in me.  I still want that.
 
It just means completely surrendering myself to My Lord and Master... allowing him to continue to break me, mold me, shape me... into the woman He would have me be.
 
For me, it's starts with growing in gratitude for my life-calling; it's trials; it's challenges; it's changes.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Bev, I hear you. Thanks for your honesty. I say to Heather a lot, we are livng our dream...as a reminder, this is what we wanted and craved. Motherhood is H.A.R.D. I too think it is such a continual work of sanctification, more mine, than my childrens. I think I better keep having children, cuz there is still a lot of sanctifying to do, lol. Not that that can't occur some other way. We really do need to pray for each other in this journey. And I think you know, you are not alone. It has been one tough year, over here. Pryaing I learn all I need to through this. Praying for you too today my friend! Hugs!

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  2. Hi Bevy:

    Thank you so much for sharing "your story". It is so nice to know that as mothers we are not alone in feeling the way we do. I have often had many days of not wanting to be a mother...not feeling adequate/funny/or playful enough to entertain my child...and therefore lacking a desire to participate in that world of "play". There are often times when I do try to be playful I end up so tired from the other goings on of the day that I can't wrap my brain around the "imaginary" situation that is being acted out...make sense? Anyhow, all that to say I AM WITH YOU sister!!! Only with the Lord's gentle and quiet reminders can we do this life as mothers. It is such an enouragement to me and I hope to you also to know that we don't do this alone, but with fellow ladies who suffer the same internal sruggles that we have. I truly appreciate your honesty in opening up about these things.

    Laura Suermann

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  3. "Somebody said it. We could identify. Here again, an honest confession is good for the soul.

    But, it doesn't mean staying in that place. My heart's cry and desire from the very beginning - to be the best wife and mom that I could possibly be - still resonates with in me. I still want that.

    It just means completely surrendering myself to My Lord and Master... allowing him to continue to break me, mold me, shape me... into the woman He would have me be. "

    LOVE this section!!! One of my struggles is to stop at honesty - and feel like there is no way to inject hope. After all, when we are "in" it, we can't speak from a position of "been there, done that, and here's how" - so how to offer hope? You hit the nail square on the head!!! Beautiful post (as usual!!)!!

    One other thought..... maybe it isn't being a mom that you hate. Maybe it's a stereotype of a mother that you don't measure up to that you hate. Maybe something you "think" you should be? Just a thought - don't know if it applies to you or not. Either way - thank you for sharing your heart!!

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  4. Beautiful, beautiful Bevy. You totally amaze me time after time with your honesty and your faith. I wish we didn't live on opposite shores of the US, I totally would love to sit and visit with you today.

    My Scott and I have learned after 25 years of being married and parenting together, that it really was never about raising the kids, it was about raising the parents. You are learning early that secret of removing your own sin, not just your children's, and are responding to the Heavenly Father's guidance in your life.

    My mom went to work when I was 9 so in the summers I was left to care for three younger siblings, the two older siblings were brothers that just ran amok. I also babysat other children a lot. I was SURE mothering would come easily to me. It didn't, for the same reason you've learned. I'm a sinner.

    I think the best response for a sinning Mommy is to confess her sins to her kids and apologize when she fails in front of them.

    The reason you are doubting what kind of job you did is because you blessed hearts and proclaimed Jesus and the enemy just wants to whisper accusations in your ear.

    I love your story, sister!

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  5. WOW! You know how I feel about honesty! Thank you so much for sharing this. Sweet friend! I know exactly how you feel. There were so many times when my youngest 2 boys were little that I lost it! It really was not pretty and not only did it scare them, but it scared me. It still hurts my heart to think of it. Thank goodness we have a Savior who redeems! I love you! ♥

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  6. Wow, Bev,

    Thanks for sharing. I learned a lot of things I never knew about your family. Thanks for your honesty and sharing. I'm totally into that, sick of the way I was raised, with "Keeping up appearances" and not letting others know how your life really is...

    At church or through poetry, those who take time to listen, know that I'm brutually honest and my life isn't perfect. Just a lot more "organized" than most of my friends, even in the midst of frustration and multiple struggles over the past 5 years. This year is especially tough, losing our child April 20th, this week, 6 years ago, our child, Blessing would have been 6 this fall and in Kindergarten. Surrounded by neighbors with children the same age.
    Being an only I've always wanted to be a mom and not just to one. The stress I've been under, makes this reality of the past year, even more frustrating.

    THanks for sharing. Keep up the honesty... I'm ready to start and writing career and if God wills, sometime after summer when things settle down, we plan on continuing the goal of adding to our family, hopefully.... Since 5 people in our family - 3 children and my 2 parents are in Heaven....

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