...makin' ready. Black Bottom Cupcakes. Here they come!
Saturday's will often be a big baking day - around here.
Joining up with Simply Saturday over at Lisa's...
riv·et (rvt) n.As, I was thinking how I could keep this post as simple as possible, today. ;) A picture came to my mind. And, so I went digging through my old tool box (Yes! You read that right. My - tool box!) and found these three rusty nails.
A metal pin or bolt for passing through holes in two or more places or pieces to hold them together, the other end being hammered into a head after insertion.
1. To fasten or secure with or as if with a rivet.
2. To hammer the headless end of so as to form a head and fasten something.
3. To fasten or secure firmly; fix.
4. To engross or hold (the attention, for example).
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son. That whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life." ~ John 3:16
But, here is where the brutal, hard-nose honesty comes in…
(Are you ready, to read this??)
I hate being a mom.
I love being married and I love keeping the home…
Yet, I shouldn’t say that I hate being a mom, because some days that simply isn’t true and hate is a rather strong word, I know, but IT IS CERTAINLY not the rosy picture that Motherhood had been painted in my mind for it to be.
And, now I’m pregnant with my third? I must be crazy… really, if not yet... I will be. (tongue in cheek)
Mothering is so H * A * R * D. And what’s even “harder” is when close friends of mine lovingly remind me of those days, and say, "you know Bevy... this was ALL you ever wanted". They have no idea the (bothering) grace-reminder that this is for me. I do appreciate the reminder.
There are many, many days of tears, and angst over the irruptions and inconveniences. I balk and wallow and fret. And the depths of my soul are revealed more and more of where I am simply a sinner-mommy who needs Jesus every single day. My kids know this and they catch me crying (rubbing their little hands all over my arms and face); they ask me “mommy, what’s wrong?”, and I tell them… the truth.
I need Jesus.
I am amazed over and over at their sincere hearted tenderness (in those moments) and it continues to melt my stone-cold heart and I know - if for nothing else – they’re in my life to reveal the Love of Jesus to me, more and more.
I’m ashamed to admit this – but they are many times when even I scare myself at the back door. I have little or no patience. I'm way too grumpy - grasping to regain control of the given situation. I struggle to be silly....I'm not a "fun mom"... I struggle to interact at their level. Oh, I can get creative and imaginative... but it takes a lot out of me to get me to that point.
I just absolutely cannot believe that I react the way I do at times. And in admitting this, this is where I think the word “hate” comes in. I don’t like what motherhood is revealing in and through me. It's the process called sanctification....***
I preach to myself all of the time, with this saying: “My response makes or breaks a situation”… and I know it’s all a matter of me responding well rather then simply reducing me to a mere reaction. It’s a pure struggle.
I think back to my own mom. And, she and I have certainly talked about this…
She had, had a hard life of raising us nine children with, while my dad was a real hard worker, wonderful father and a wonderful provider (they certainly did they’re best) – she continued to deal and work through my dad’s struggles of:
- Depression (which were enough to be hospitalized once or twice, in his life);
-the mental health issues (which required medication for as long as I could remember);
-the spiritual struggles of God’s grace and forgiveness for him
All of these things were things that I know were triggered by an introduction to pornography at a very young age.
Which makes me realize all the more, the awesome responsibility I have as a mom and Scott and I together, in parenting, to be all the more vigilant in the teaching and training of our little ones. We can't shield them ... only influence them toward the Gospel.
I would like to say I’ve never heard my mom cry or be upset –but that isn’t the truth, although she hid it from us very well.
She certainly had her challenges too, with being a mom. There were many things about her that I vowed I would “break the chain” over. I know she would admit to not having the spiritual support like I’m blessed to have in my life today, even though she grew up Mennonite as well… it just wasn’t offered. So, I am truly blessed.
Now that my dad is HOME-FREE and in Heaven… and like I said it’s been 15 years now… with having little ones to raise, all on her own… I honestly have seen the Grace of God carry my mother through this trial in her life. She grieves but she has never once complained.
And, she still doesn’t. She is purely an inspiration to me and the best example in my life, of what a godly woman, wife and mother should be.
Recently, I went through a ladies Bible Study – a book authored by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, entitled Brokenness. This book was really an eye opener for me as it relates to my calling as a mother, wife and friend.
So, on one hand while I’m learning about brokenness in my life – the Lord is/was really doing a breaking in me – of my will and expectations especially in mothering. I’m still learning. And, though that particular Bible Study is over I still thumb through the pages of that book and my notes and reflect.
Also…I’m desirous to grow more in tune with a life of gratitude. Another book I’m currently reading is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, author of the blog – A Holy Experience. In this book she challenges, with a dare, to LIVE FULLY right where you are. I’ve recently begun the task of naming my thanks… listing things – all the way to 1,000 and beyond, Lord Willing, that come to mind; things of which I am truly grateful for. Things big or small - and sometimes it is the rather simple things.
I’m praying that these two books will continue a work in me. I can feel the battle- raging. It’s a looming task, this work of sanctification that is going on inside of me. Thankfully – it’s the Lord at work. It’s nothing that I am doing to contribute... except perhaps I contribute by providing the mess.
Many of you know… I have a blog at Treasured Up and Pondered (.blogspot.com).
There is where I have found a true blend of encouragement and accountability. I found some dear friends in this blogging world – other moms or women who are often in the same places I find myself in. I welcome you to stop by, there as well, anytime and say hello.
And, MOPS has become a place for much of the same; a place of real encouragement and accountability. If it wasn’t’ for Connie C. really encouraging me to come on out – I would really be missing a blessing in my life. I’ll admit, it’s been tough to get going in the mornings and we’ve had our rough moments – but my kids have really fallen in love with the Moppets ministry. And, I’m glad.
I also knew a lot more ladies then I ever expected. Kelli S., Jen F., Barb M., Patty C., Chrissy B., Cheryl H. and I recognized many, many others… so thank you Connie for your diligence in “pestering” me to take this step. Lord knows – I’m such a homebody and I needed this.
Thank you for letting me share “my story” with you, today, which by the way, is still being written. Each day is a new journal entry to the pages of my life story. God is authoring... not I. I would have no idea if anyone can relate or identify with anything I’ve shared… but I just hope that my honesty today was a real blessing to someone.
God bless you in your home and in your mothering. We’re in this “calling” together.
Let’s do our best and be our best!
I grew up a Conservative Mennonite gal; the oldest of nine – six girls and three boys.
It was a way of life; a religion/culture, but with some sense of relationship; deeply rooted in godly heritage and tradition. It held a deep sense of at-home community and so getting married, followed by motherhood (for girls) was held in high regard. Neither Collage nor Careers were encouraged. This was all I knew. I had little expectation of myself but to be anything but the best wife and mother I could possibly be.
I thought that, that day would never come - when I would get married and begin to raise a family of my own.
When I was about to turn 23 I began thinking about and planning to move out on my own. I needed my own space! Tough to do, but I finally convinced my parents that I could do it. An apartment soon became available – in the basement of an old farmhouse where my cousin and her husband lived. My parent's fears in letting me go were soon calmed… because they knew I wouldn’t be totally alone – out there in that big ole world.
A lot of different things were going on in my life at that point. I was thinking of attending a different church – different then the conservative Mennonite church I had known and attended all my life. I had lots and lots of questions regarding my faith and God’s grace in my life and soon I found a church family that I grew to love and appreciate and my husband and I still attend a church through this group of churches, called Sovereign Grace Ministries.
After moving into this farmhouse basement apartment and being there for about one month… ironically, today marks it to be 15 years (April 13th)…when my dad (age 43) suddenly passed away leaving 8 kids still at home with the youngest being only three years of age.
That left a huge hole in my heart as I would say I was pretty close to my dad… and I miss having him around. I wish – but he never got to meet any of his son-in-laws… and obviously none of his grandchildren. If he were still here on this earth – we would be so blessed. But – we know we’ll see him again, one day. And that is our hope
Many years would pass pass in my single years that I now know were wasted; looking for love and relationship. I prayed and waited and waited and prayed and believed deep down that the day would never come – but I continued to hope.
I will say, though, that through this time my faith strengthened in the Lord and I clung to my Savior to meet me… every single day. I worked those years at a local Christian Bookstore and also at our local hospital on the Pediatrics and Maternity Wards… as a Secretary/ Nurse Assistant. I considered going on to pursue a nursing career but that door sort of closed, rather quickly …and I was content to just be a “testimony” if I could and do my best. I loved my both of those jobs and I believe they were perfect fits for me – God was Sovereign in leading me to both of those employment opportunities.
But realize… I still had this longing down deep to be the best wife and mom that I could possibly be and I still struggled to believe that even God would lead me to the right man for me. I was that Lady in Waiting…
In one way… more out of curiosity… and with the preface that I wanted to know what was wrong with me, (wondering why did I not have any dates or why couldn’t I keep them?) I decided to go online and just do the personality test that eHarmony offered.
Maybe that would provide me some answers.
It did. I began to understand myself a little more… relaxing, letting go… letting God. But, for some reason, while the matches began to start coming in – like it or not - I kept my subscription to it, not really believing anything would come of it because after all wasn’t this like taking matters literally into my hands? I wasn’t that sort of girl…
To make a long story short – I did meet my wonderful husband through eHarmony and that was over seven years ago. Next month, on the 14th of May, will be six years of marriage for Scott and I.
To bring you up to the current…we have two little ones Caleb James – who will be four in May and Aubrey Ruth – who will turn three in September. We also are expecting our third child in August.
I can’t believe I am where I am. It’s amazing how time flies and I know I am not the only one who believes that.
But, here is where the brutal, hard-nose honesty comes in…To be Continued...
You did AWESOME!!!! Thank you so very much for sharing! You're sweet spirit and honest heart was shining...through the tears ♥ . Mommyhood ain't easy! so glad we don't have to go it alone! Your testimony really seemed to resonate with so many in attendance today. Thanks again for your boldness, and your willingness to share! :) ~ Ginna
Recently I was asked to share “my story”. (gulp). When I got the call from Ginna… I knew immediately what she was calling me for and I now believe it was all a part of God’s plan – in getting me to think about it – as literally, minutes before the phone rang, had just read the words, “My Story”, on the MOPS newsletter and wondered to myself “whatever could that be, about?” Now, I know. (smile)
I guess, it’s my turn to fill in the blanks….
I honestly don’t feel like I have this huge redeeming story to share with you; that will make you sit there and choke back tears. But, as I spent the past few weeks reflecting on what God’s been doing in my life and where I’ve been and where I’m going … I will venture to say this, that what I do have to say will and maybe, hopefully, be a place where others can identify
I grew up a Conservative Mennonite gal; the oldest of nine – six girls and three boys...
To be Continued...
|*photo taken in hot,hot summer of '09*|