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A place where, I trust, you can feel most comfortable to share your thoughts and be a part...
As a quick refresher. This is when and where I'd like this post to feel like you're with a nice circle of friends. Some you might know each other well, or at best - recognize each other's name, and others of you not so much. All are welcome!!
And so, you find yourself, here! You're sitting down for a meeting (so to speak); sharing together a cup of coffee or hot tea and delving into a muffin. Mmm, scrumptious...you'll murmur between bites. :)
Hopefully, you realize that it is just a muffin recipe that will do...and at least, this is where I'd like to think that you'll say these rhubarb muffins are scrumptious, because they are!! I'm pretty sure I've shared this recipe before. But, tis the season. :)
So, why don't we go ahead (pretend!); scoot up your chairs, pass the muffins, fill your mugs - afresh! and lets get started. Shall we..?
The calendar told us yesterday that it was Mother's Day. A day to celebrate. Yes? Was it day of celebration for you?
Some of you, readers, may not be Mother's. And, that is okay. This may be one of the hardest days of your life. I can understand this. Some of you are Mothers; actually, most of you are! And, some are also grandmothers. I appreciate the diversity of those reading here, today. It's humbling. Humbling for so many reasons. There are various seasons and situations we may find ourselves in. Times of expectancy. Times of loss. Times that are full-blown, bursting wide open with JOY! and there are times of deep, deep heart-breaking pain. A lot of which I can personally relate to. However, I could ask so many of you, ladies, to share your thoughts and insight here, today, and it would serve us all to learn from one another.
Today. I would like to share, with you, just a bit of
my story; a story that may be a bit hard to read. Honestly, honesty goes deep here and transparency is key. I hope you can read this today, with an open mind and a care to understand..
I grew up in a Conservative Mennonite family. The oldest girl of nine (six girls; three boys - respectively). So, it would be natural for me to say, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. That was all I knew! In a way, I can say - "I already raised a family"... I was and had to be a big help to my mom. My Mom was a great hero of mine - although, I wouldn't have thought about it as so, back then.
Now? I see it...a lot. My dad made a HUGE impact as well...
But we're talking about motherhood.
(smile!)
Again. This was ALL I ever wanted. And. Not only just to be
a mother... but to be the BEST
one I could possibly be. The days of NOT being a wife and a mom seemed long and unending. Would
this ever change for me? I prayed. HARD! Finally, marriage. Finally, a home of my own to keep. Finally, eventually, motherhood.
When that dream did finally come to fruition, back in 2007, and quickly again in 2008, and when Motherhood, all of a sudden, quite quickly, was not what I expected; meaning, it wasn't full of the warm fuzzies and the lovey-dovey feelings, I had anticipated...something was wrong. Instead of loving it I began hating it. (I know.
Hate is a very strong word..)
I did not like being a Mom. At all. Parts of it, yes! But, not really.
However! You must know. I STILL loved my children. I still do! (don't read what I didn't write/say!) I love my kids very, very much. Each one.
(keep reading, please..)
Still. I found it hard to be cute and snuggly. I had an imagination and a smile - but, oh I found it hard to articulate that out to my little ones. I struggled to "let go and enjoy"...
I wished, over and over, that I could get off the train. The merry-go-round. The
whatever you wanted to call it. I wanted out.
BIG TIME!
This was a thankless time. And, I really felt the inconveniences of motherhood. I realize we all have those thankless and inconvenient moments, come our way, as mom's, but I mean I
really felt them..
As well, I strongly disliked (tempted to say it again - "hated") when loving and well-meaning friends would gently and graciously "remind me" of my desires - back in my single years. They didn't know it, but it felt too much like a ton of salt in the wound.
All of this was...this was a stark realization, a truth of my heart, just a mere three years ago.
((At the time, of this realization, I had two little ones, close together in age, and another baby on the way!))
Today?
By the grace of God... those thoughts are no longer the same. Those thoughts; they are no longer mine.
Do I still feel overwhelmed? You bet I do.
Do I ever feel like walking? You bet I do.
Do I ever feel like quitting? You bet I do.
My nerves wear thin and I'm tired.
What changed, you ask?
I am not 100% sure, other than, I have come to embrace the calling that God has placed on my life.
Obviously... HE knows I can do this.
He has chosen me to do this job.
He has equipped me. And, will continue to do so.
Only by HIS grace...can I do it. It is nothing of me that makes me a better mom over another.
I needed HIM. I still need Him.
I prayed. I continue to pray.
I asked for HIS HELP...and He answered. And, He always will.
As the kids grew, and continue to do so, so has our relationship, and that of my husband's. We realize, all the more, being a
family-team really matters. By the way. My husband is the most wonderful of father's there ever was in this world. I'm so blessed to be the Mother of his children...and I tell him so.
However, currently we, as a family, are in a season that requires a lot of sacrifice and feelings of loneliness - for me. There are many days when I feel the weight of what it would be like to be a single mom. I get it!
(my husband has a full schedule & workload with employment and going to school, full-time!)
Still. We are very blessed.
It's hard. But, again. It's only a season. And, I cling to that.
We have one another and we're in this together.
One of the neatest things about being a mom - for me! is the opportunity to visit memories of my childhood with my children and share life-lessons with them. For instance - "the bike story" (the bike in above photo) is a repeat story and one I'll continue to share often.
It's a story of disobedience (on my part) and redemption (the part of my parents).
These story-moments happen a lot at bedtime. My children will often beg, "Tell us a story of when you were a kid!", they'll say.
When I see my kids soaking up life, like a sponge, and enjoying; living out, their childhood, making up their own life-stories, I see it as a reflection of who they are because of me (and my husband's) influence.
Again. It's humbling. When the playful, fun-phrase " Oh no! Here comes the
Monster Mom..ahhhh" (and the kids go running off and away!)... becomes more of a reality than I wish. Even that has it's influences and its resemblance of truth. I regret the selfishness I've displayed in the past. Selfishness.
That can still rear it's ugly head and I have to surrender my heart,
daily, to God's calling for me and my life.
When I hear my kids say I'm beautiful...
still... after those ugly moments. And, I've apologized. I'm humbled.
I see their fragileness. Their need for affirmation. Their dependency (on me!)...and ultimately, their need for Jesus!
I see the way they look up to me. The way they listen. How both influenced and influential they are...
They need me. I need them.
They bring me flowers, from the yard, in fistfuls. They plant kisses - unexpectedly and I melt. They smile and wink at me from across the room. We sing! We dance. We cry. Together. They crave my approval...and I like theirs. But we all know that doesn't always happen...because we're real. I know when they're being deceitful and "as children are"...and they wonder how?
"Understand it is...because. I am your Mother!", I say.
These. are. my. blessings.
I don't ever want to take them for granted.
This is one awesome privilege and one awesome (huge!) responsibility.
It's not the how, or the what, but the WHO that will put the {happy} in Mother's Day! or any day, for that matter.
Who is that?? Do you know?
Esther 9:28 ~ These days should be remembered and observed in every generation by every family...
{Happy} Mother's Day!
***
Aubrey recently entered a contest -a Mother's Day; Draw Your Mom! contest...and was selected as one of the winners. ((I don't know. There is something fun, to the fact; bragging on my five year old for getting published, in the newspaper.. for the very first time.))
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| Here she is - missing her first tooth! |
At school. The kids shared their thoughts on Mom this way. And it too, makes me smile.
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| Oh! Aubrey... |
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| Caleb's thoughts... |
***
Thank you for reading here, today!!
You'll get to share your reflections in the comments below and I can't wait to hear "your stories"... there.
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:: Giveaway :: NOW CLOSED!!
Teresa Jaye is *new*, local friend of mine. I have mentioned her
HERE, before, and suggested for you to stay tuned for something more from her. Well, today is the day!
Teresa has donated a small Mixed Media Art Piece for the giveaway today.
Isn't that wonderful?
