Thanks for coming back for Part One of “Psalm 16 - In pleasant places”.
In all reality, I’m not sure where to start. I know one thing that I want to make clear is this; this is a hard thing for me to share… so vulnerably about. It’s certainly not at all intended to sound like a pity party or a need for affirmation. It’s just simply a testimony of how a gracious and loving God is so “jealously yearning” for His daughter to know him more. And he is working on that…
All my life I so desperately wanted to be “the best wife and mom that I could possibly be” and while I enjoy it and like it, there are some days, I DO NOT LOVE BEING A MOM!! – There I’ve said it. Now, please stop all the gasping… I can hear it coming across the web waves. However, I think I would venture to say that I am NOT the only woman out there admitting to this.
I’ve been really thinking, mulling, praying, journaling, talking to others… and the same - all over again. Trying to figure out what is wrong with me. It’s not the staying at home thing where I feel I need to get out…it’s not that at all. I love it that I am at home!! I can’t even believe it sometimes that we can actually do this (afford to do it) – I know, that some cannot and would LOVE to be in my shoes. I am really grateful for this opportunity. It’s not that I think I’m not able to handle (our) kids. I know that I do have a way about them. I myself am the oldest of nine children, and, I also choose to be a nanny for three other children (and that is a whole separate post) for a period of time and… well, I always thought I would want at least four children of my own. Uhmmmm.
I just have come to realize that I’ve had this rosy idea of what Mom’s are to be like… an idea that is totally misconstrued, obviously. It’s an expectation (put on only by myself) of what I am to become; a desire to be”the best” that I can be. And even that’s not “good enough”, in my eyes. It’s hard, exhausting, never-ending and thankless. I get interrupted, feel so impatient, easily frustrated, have a hard time anticipating their needs and, I think, we actually have pretty easy kids. Why? Why, do I get in my own way – over this? Is the problem, all about me? What are “the idols” going on here??
Now, don’t get me wrong. I do have wonderful moments with my children. I get to see them grow up (which I wouldn’t want to miss that, for the world), and I feel bad for Scott – he’s gone all day, when he comes home from work he’ll notice a “new” thing or two (which isn’t so new for me anymore) and he’ll be exuberantly sharing with me…and I’m like “oh, yeah… I forgot to tell you she did/he did…“whatever it was. Oh, and I do get those smiles, hugs and kisses that must mean that I’m their favorite mom…that I do matter to them. I am needed. I am loved.
So, what got this heart dialogue started? It must have been brewing for awhile, I don’t know, but it came to a head a couple of weeks ago when my husband and I were asked to “teach” Early Preschool class at our church for just a couple of Sunday’s out of only one month. It was NOT a lot to ask of us, I know, however I really was having an issue with this whole idea because of all the above just mentioned.
How could I possibly serve other’s children when I am having such a hard time with me and my own, at home? It’s a class of about twenty preschoolers (give or take), and I was told it “feels just like being a mom – that it should be easy”. AHHHH!!!!!
Scott was really good about this. He has been my Mr. Encourager through all of this and he was pretty excited (and still is) about it. We have two more Sunday's to go to fulfill our role in helping to teach this class. I’m still nervous about it and yet, I feel like I’m going in to the next couple of weeks with a different heart focus, which I am glad about.
So the reason for these verses – how have they specifically been meaningful to me? You wouldn’t know this unless I tell you but this is not the first time that these verses have got my attention and have pricked my heart towards change. If you would see the handwritten side notations that I have marked in my Bible, you would see that I’ve been down this road before… but obviously have not arrived.
Overall, I wrote
“God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him.” – referring to the whole chapter.
Around verse 2, I wrote the word
“Adoni” (meaning Lord and Master)
At verse 4 where it reads "The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods." I wrote the word
"idols"At verse 5, I wrote;
church, family and care group – Let my soul by satisfied…. meaning He is using these people in my life as boundry lines, etc.
And other certain words are circled….for various reasons.
Granted these things don’t or won’t make much sense to someone just reading this… it’s a Bevy-heart thing. I know what I meant as I was writing these things down, but in recently rereading this passage it really hit me (hard) as to how I approach “my calling” as a Mother.
Mothering has always been a desire of my heart, God has certainly answered my prayer, with a YES! – therefore it is now; my portion, my cup, my lot, my calling. The boundary lines
have fallen for me in pleasant places. Let my soul by satisfied in Him. I’m still literally learning the in’s and out’s of this so called place. Desiring to be satisfied with intentional purpose not “just because”.
If it wasn’t for my church, friends and family (especially my darling husband) I would not understand the verse talking about “the saints who are in the land – the glorious ones in whom is all my delight”. I KNOW that I have people “In this, with me” – I am not alone. I know that because of this people I have a delightful inheritance –one that I will be able to pass on to the next generation.
I want to fully understand the verse “you have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence”…I want to be satisfied because HE IS ENOUGH, not satisfied out of the fact that I have become complacent with my lot of life. Does this make any sense?
I apologize that this was such a lengthy post. But I hope you have heard my heart journey in this particular area.
Can any of you relate to me with this? Would you have any specific encouragement that you can share with me?
Please join me as I continue to meditate on God’s Word (specifically, Psalm 16:1-11) on a daily basis. It certainly has been
a pleasant place for me to dwell. Now you see why this was part one?
: : Thanks, also to all for your thoughts and prayers this week, as I compiled my thoughts...I really appreciate it.